There is a copper outside my window, just when I want to light a spliff

Today has been so dreadful I don't even know where to start. ********, this girl I used to work with, came by the office to visit us and I was quite pleased to see her, as I have always been very fond of her. She has just finished doing some sort of amazing Phd at Harvard, and came to say goodbye before moving to Switzerland, where she has been offered some awesome job or other. When she asked my manager why we had let ******** resign, one of our co workers, a brilliant guy, she said because he knew there was no career progression in the job. As soon as I heard those words, gloom engulfed me. I had to stop myself from bursting into tears, but I somehow managed. I also managed to go out with the girls from the office for a drink, though 1 hour and one drink was as much as I could take , I needed to get away from there as soon as possible.

I walked to the station nearly in tears, horrified that someone would see me, as I was so close to work. ********** phoned me telling me that her and the girls were at a bar, if I fancied joining them. As always I gave my pathetic excuses and headed home. By then I was so desperate I couldn't get the idea out of my mind of getting home and hurting myself. I stopped at Boots to buy razor blades in case I needed them, but as I write this I am not sure I will be using them tonight.

When I got it, I found a letter from Sarah, saying how my sessions with her had actually gone. It was meant to be for my GP, I think she sent me a copy. As soon as I opened, I started to cry. Which was unfortunate because ******** my housemate was still in the kitchen. By now I feel so paranoid about my behaviour that I feel I ought to apologize to him for being no fun, an antisocial. I mustered some bullshit about my medication not working, or me going back on it, when in reality I have no idea what is going to happen to me. I suppose something will come out of it because now my GP knows, thanks to Sarah, that I am in the "severely depressed" category.

God, policeman, go away. I just want to have a spliff.