Today I had my last session with Sarah. It was quite hard and emotional, and I had to read a letter that I wrote to her, and then she read one back to me. Then I went to work like nothing had happened and I had all day my brain in a bit of a haze. I don't think I accomplished much, but it is not like I cared anyways.

I realize my life is crumbling to pieces and it is starting to show. I phoned ***** and, God bless his heart, I don't even know why I did that. I told him that I was now allowing myself to freefall into madness, and I had to quote some Prozac Nation, due to lack of me ever being able to articulate how I feel.

I did not mean to worry him, but he couldn't come up with anything better to say other than " I am thinking of you sometimes" and asking me details on what is going to happen to me now that I have finished therapy. I did not know what to say to him, in any ocassion or as an answer to any of his questions. I know I am probably being unfair to him, but I suppose it is just that I seem to have now decided that I am going to fully embrace madness, as there seems to be nothing I can do about it.

Also on a bad note, the girls at work have invited me out for drinks this Friday night. And I honestly cannot think of anything more dreadful. If they only knew... but I have already given them hundreds of excuses not to hang out with them, that I thought I might as well just do it. All I want to do on Friday night is come home, have a few spliffs, watch the telly, have a bath and go to bed. Now I am going to have to go weed shopping on Thursday.

I honestly don't know what I am going to do with my life, I seem to keep putting off desitions until tomorrow. And these are truly life changing desitions: a part of me is saying that the time has come for the mask to fall off, and if I am going to be struggling each and every day, I might as well gove in and stop fighting. Another part of me says no, you can do this, you can get better. But the voices in my head are back, probably stronger than they have ever been before, and they are whispering to me all the time. It drives me crazy.

I was thinking on the way home that I have just decided to disappear... that I am going to blend into the background and be noticed by nobody, so little by little everyone will eventually forget about me and leave me alone for once and all. I used to think I would regret doing something like this, but so what of it? Who do I want to care about me? *******? He was once appointed to save my life, but he got over all of this and I am nothing but a puppy that someone left on his door one night and he felt sorry for.
*****? I can't do that to him either, because he got tired of me driving him crazy and the repeated times that I showed him that I had long ago stopped loving him.... which was true. The one thing that kills me is thinking about my friends, who I know already know I am crazy and they no longer bother with me anymore. And who can blame them? I feel sorry for them because they have to live with me, put up with me, listen to me, or see me get off my face on drugs and slurr my words in the morning on my way to work. I can't expect them to understand how sick I actually am or how crazy I feel. I just hope they never really know.